(Via. Pharyngula)

April 18 is Poop For Peace Day: Side by side in a public bathroom, any two human beings are stripped of their differences and reduced to their most basic essence: a pair of feet sticking out below the stall, and a pair of butt trumpets performing a greasy symphony to lament humanity’s non-negotiable deference to the call of the vile.

The ONLY 100 percent effective method for avoiding car accidents is to ABSTAIN from driving until marriage.

Stephen Colbert at the National Portrait Gallery: “I don’t mean to brag, but as it contains three portraits, my portrait has more portraits than any other portrait in the National Portrait Gallery,” [Colbert] said, adding, “All Employees must wash hands before returning to work.”